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UN Titled
By eclectik | April 8, 2009
So, I have this thing about “Titles”
Women say, that it’s a cop-out for guys to say they don’t do titles…and for some (prolly most) men that could be true. For me? I just say that the “title” in the grand scheme of things means nothing and it’s no more than a mental thing for women
In regards to relations/Relationships with women
Treat me how I treat you…that’s all I ask
A title is a peace of mind for women that they shouldn’t need…that shit aint magic. I hear that “Boyfriend/Girlfriend” is a commitment and clearly defines a relationship
What im saying is “Clearly defined” means nothing without actions….
I’ve seen people get treated like pure trash in a relationship and treated like the shit without the label…and vice versa
Looks attract…personality keeps…actions maintain
Call me anything…call me pork chop lips; if you treating me the way I want to be treated I’m good
I think its part of the idea that things do change after the label happens….as far as the relationship and how Im treated
…even how Im supposed to treat; meaning things were fine and now alladasuddin there’s a host of things that they ‘never liked’ that now has to happen because of the title
What kills me is…”Boyfriend/Girlfriend” shows a level of commitment okay…..
Then why do you want to get married? “It’s you showing you’re committed”
Wait.
WHAT IS COMMITMENT Then?
Treat you right, not being intimate or emotionally attached to anyone, being around and dependable….what does that have to do with a title? Are you incapable of being that to someone without calling it something?
“So why NOT give it a title then…if you can be all of that and etc.? Why should it matter?”
Because Boyfriend/Girlfriend are made up words/terms…they mean nothing; they’re like unicorns that’s why! lol
I think I’m more annoyed and stubborn over it…If a person lists the important things they want in a mate and you provide them and it doesn’t count to them unless they label it…that’s annoying.
More so (for me) it’s not that title but I just want people to understand and realize the word or title or label is not magic, it doesn’t change anything about the relationship or how either of them will act
People will be people and do what they want to do regardless…the title means nothing… the actions are way more important
A woman wants to know “where they stand” and says that titles show “A level of commitment”
So I say it boils down to it’s in the females head.
Id say Im single…isn’t it true that you’re single till you’re married
So, boyfriend/girlfriend…still “single” no?
eclectik theory:
You cannot control another person (Nor should you want to) the title or effort in getting a boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife from an already decent relationship seems…kinda extra…there are more important things.
If you’re happy be happy.
Why try and “upgrade” the relationship or turn it into something else?
It ultimately doesn’t matter what you call each other…whatever is going to happen to you two is going to happen
Having a “girlfriend” is not going to make them nicer, cooler, sexier, more faithful or less annoying
Having a “wife” won’t keep a woman from doing what she wants
Same thing on the reverse
If anything it seems to harm the relationship more than anything else
Why fix working things?
I think women need to get out of their heads sometime.
I guess the question is why does the woman “need” or “want” these things…what changes in her mind or heart?
I hear the argument that if you’re just “With” someone without a title the relationship becomes stagnant
What is stagnant?
What changes after someone says “you’re mine”…when in every sense of the word they’re not
Me? I don’t get into that whole “possession” thing…That’s my girl…That’s my woman…you’re mine
Sounds dumb to me.
A “Title” Defines the relationship and it’s a natural progression
Definitions and progress to what?
…I guess Im asking, where or what is the finish line…what do you win? How do you know when you’ve “progressed” to the end?
Even if someone says you’re my girl or wife or woman that doesn’t mean she wont date or do whatever else
…it ultimately means nothing. You can say that it means they SHOULDNT do these things…but hell, they shouldn’t anyway
Why are the words “Boyfriend/girlfriend/Husband/Wife more important than a good relationship? Because those words don’t equal one
Im not opposed to having a girlfriend…and I never said I would NEVER get married (I said ‘Neve’ though lol)
Im just asking if you have a relationship in which the person treats you with kindness, respect, honor, fidelity, never strayed
Why would someone willingly leave over a word or a contract…to go gamble on the next person/relationship?
I’ve seen this with male and females so it’s not an attack…Just seems like hustling backwards to me
If someone is making me happy I will always choose to stay happy.
The question is what does the title do for you?
It’s no easy out…I will never say I don’t believe in marriage (that sounds stupid) I just don’t understand WHY people get married
Actions clearly don’t speak louder than words when the word ‘woman’ and ‘wife’ mean more than how you treat them.
The question remains to the actual relationship and interaction what does ‘girlfriend’ or ‘wife’ change?
I’ve talked to a ton of married folk and they all tell me that either the relationship has not changed at all (my theory) or that it’s turned slightly worse
salls im sayin
Titles give a “Sense of security”
Security how and to whom?
It doesn’t keep anyone from having another relationship
It doesn’t keep anyone from leaving when/if they want
What’s secure?
This is another in the mind thing with a female I feel…
In the grand scheme of things titles are useless, how a person treats and relates to you is what matters (e theory)
Im not saying im right or that anyone that opposes my thinking is wrong, I just think taking a step back and looking at things objectively… I may have a point here or there
Well I want to be able to introduce you to my friends as more than just “my friend” or “we’re kickin it”
…boundaries should be clearly defined.
communication is key
Why should it matter how you introduce someone to your friends? Who gives a damn what word they hear?…they are not in the relationship
If you introduced them as your boyfriend, then what?
If you introduced them as your friend, then what?
If you said they were your cousin, then what?
What will the friends do in any of the situations? nothing.
What boundaries?
If I like someone and Im into just them, whether they call me boyfriend, girlfriend, home skillet or that dude, Ima treat her the same and feel the same about her
If I start to feel different or if I am not into her it don’t matter what she calls me it won’t change anything I won’t be into her
Im not going to like a person more or less because of a title
Im not going to trust or distrust a person more or less because of a word
A verbal commitment does not = fidelity or security
Actions and how you treat a person helps…but even that doesn’t guarantee a thing
That’s why I say, if you find someone that treats you the way you want to be treated and you’re happy…enjoy it who knows what’s going to happen the next day
So if you found someone that treated you how you wanted to be treated, didnt cheat or stray…respected you, the sex was the bomb, was fun to be around, you had tons in common…you’d break up with them because they didnt want a title? Shidddddddddddddd
Guess that’s why Im single… (among other reasons lol)
What do I know though?…aint nobody checkin for me
…long ass post.
Topics: Why I'm Single | 25 Comments »
April 8th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
You made good points, E. My only rebuttal is that some men will use the fact that they lack a title as an excuse to stray when their partner isn’t.
“You did what???”
“Well it wasn’t like you my girlfriend so…”
I don’t think the importance of the title establishment is in the word itself but its in what the word assumes. Yes of course he could cheat with or without the label. Except with the label comes a level of obligation that some folks may not feel without the label.
April 8th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
I respect that, that makes sense
I fully understand Im different LOL
Ima treat you right…titleless
April 9th, 2009 at 12:10 am
Hey E,
LOVE this post so much I agree w/ and some I don’t but all in all a great post. I love that you decided to post this during Spring when some relationships are about to hit the rocky patch so some folks can be free to flirt and tease during summer!
LOL!
Peace, E
April 9th, 2009 at 4:06 am
Thanx
For better or worse I’m honest
I’m just happy that some of my points or intent is understanable
April 9th, 2009 at 7:14 am
your integrity amazes me.
good points here
April 9th, 2009 at 8:24 am
I agree with some of your points but not all. I think you hit it on the head when you said a relationship is about “2″ people and you can’t control what the other person does. That is IMO what the title is for. When it comes to matters of the heart it’s hard to always penpoint how exactly how the other person feels about you, so the title is provides understanding of the level of commitment between two people. But if you tell me we are in a committed relationship, but don’t give me a title I am pretty much treating it like I’m your girlfriend, b/c that’s what that means. At the same time you can’t get out of marrying me the same way b/c for me, and most people, where girlfriend means I am committed to you right now, where married means I am committed to you forever. If you think of marriage as something sacred in your heart.
April 9th, 2009 at 8:57 am
I get that but right now and forever has nothing to do with the labels
Whether or not you stay with someone has to do with the two people and the relationship not what it’s called
Why does divorce exist?
April 9th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Not titles? How about my significant other? Which implies when you are talking about said person to a 3rd party, they know that this person is someone special to you and probably someone you spend a great deal of time with.
I do want to know how do you introduce such person in say a business dinner situation…You’re at a dinner party, you have a date, you say this is (inset the name) (insert my GF/BF name) (insert my significant other name).
I will go out on a limb and say titles make people (women mostly) more comfortable about the actions and goings on of the relationship!
Again not to say either person will not stray/cheat if their is or isnt a title attached.
Good topic as usual!
April 9th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
I am going to send this post to a girlfriend of mine.
She and her SO just got into an argument over this very thing. She wanted the title. He said they didn’t need it. She insisted. He insisted. She walked.
I guess the relationship wasn’t that important for either of them. They got their first taste of compromise and failed miserably.
I don’t need titles per se, but I do need exclusivity and reciprocity. We can call each other whatever (that could actually turn into a fun game when meeting people). I need him to know/see/experience that am committed to him and vise versa until we decide otherwise.
Good post.
April 9th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Msdailey:
Why is it so important to label someone when you introduce them?
When you’re at a dinner situation I say this is YOU…you say this is MY NAME…call me what my momma call me lol
I feel you about the titles make the woman more comfy….but we must agree that in the grand scheme they shouldnt and the other person should make them more comfy…im sayin, if you go gimme head and wash my undies cuz I gave you a label and wont because i dont…mannnn LOL
RUN G!
Yes please do forward it…it could help
Send them to Dr. e LOL
I LOVE your point of view…and yes it could be a fun game
April 9th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
You overthunk this. If you were my boyfriend, I’d fuck around and break up with you over this post just cuz you thought about the shit too long.
Guess that’s why I’M single.
April 9th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
You are right it does depend on the people, but why wouldn’t you want to claim the one you love. Introduce her and let the world know she’s yours. My big question to you that I don’t think you answered is why are you so oppose to the labels? It’s almost like you don’t want them only b/c you know women want them. Your need not to be labled seems equal to the woman’s need to define the relationship, and those in glass houses… I just think there are bigger things to worry about in a relationship, and if it is so trivial to you why not just commit, and give her what she needs to feel secure?
Personally I think there is something else there, maybe you know it’s easier to walk away when there is no real commitment???
April 9th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
Nina: I overthink everything
Meh, you break up with me over the post…I move on.
JustB: I did answer that…right before the unicorn picture
The other question is, what does telling the world have to do with my relationship?
I did type its stubborness…and not that I oppose them but can a woman admit that they dont really mean anything and are in place to make the woman feel better.
Walking away is walking away…that makes no sense
and again what is “Real commitment”
Re-read the post
If I give everything that a woman asks for in a relationship why does a label make it null and void?
April 9th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
First, I didn’t answer you other question about divorce. I think divorce was put into place for extreme situations, and is vastly over used in today’s society. But just because someone else got married for the wrong reasons doesn’t mean you shouldn’t b/c you think your love is greater or better than that. It’s not really about why other people get divorced but about what you and your wife believe about your own personal commitment to each other.
OK, yes I admit that it makes the woman feel more comfortable, and it is how you are treated in the relationship that should determine whether you stay or leave. But what I think you are missing is that giving her a label is an action, that she should also be paying attention to. Sorry to be cliche’ but Steve Harvey did say that how a man introduces you says alot about your place in his life. Say we go to a cookout and your girl attend a party and you introduce her as “Keisha”. If someone, maybe even one of your boys tries to talk to her you can’t get upset, b/c there was no initial understanding that she was your girl when you introduced her. No she has to reject him, only if she’s not feeling him(cause she’s not your girl right), and you get upset(if you care), etc. etc. Why put yourself in a position to go with that?
April 9th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
I still dont get into this “possession” my girl-my woman stuff…
If I introduce Keisha as my girl, woman, wife, angel face…people will try and talk to her if they want…she will decide to talk to them if she wants
the day I start taking relationship advice from Steve Harvey is the day I chalk it all up
…just cuz HE said that doesnt make it true lol
I agree giving a label IS an action
But treating her like shes the most important person is a WAY more important action.
People get titles and get lazy.
April 9th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
the day I start taking relationship advice from Steve Harvey is the day I chalk it all up
…just cuz HE said that doesnt make it true lol
OMG – AMEN, AMEN, AMEN
like who died and gave him a pen (an authority) I thinks NOT!
I dont think Im really that oppose to his book what hes saying or him, I think my problem is moreso with these women who act like they didnt have a clue (or a vowel) before the book came out.
Really??!! Whatevs
lol
April 9th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
Not true, there is a level of respect, in most cases, that people will give her if it is known that she is your girlfriend, and more so if she is your wife. You have to understand that as just a fact.
It doesn’t make it true cause he said it, but b/c it is true. Every man is not on the up and up, and use not giving a woman a label as a way to weasel out of a commitment. I have known plenty of guys who treat their women like the are the world when they are together. All 5 or 6 of them.
The way you treat her is very important, but so is the label. But not we get don’t to the real problem. You think that the label is gonna change the way that you guys interact. That’s where communication comes in. It’s the fact that they are comfortable with each other, not the label that makes them get lazy. But if you talk it out I am sure that’s a situation that can be easily rectified with a few exciting dates or etc.
Favorite Quote from Love Jones: When people say they are bored in a relationship it’s just b/c they have exhausted the possibilities…
April 9th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
Alls im saying is that the “label” and “title”
is a mental hurdle that the woman has and it has nothing to do with how two people relate to each other.
The other point is, all men are not the same…women get in the habit of treating new men like the last…Im extra different
Again:
Trust, Honor, respect, Fidelity, Good communication, Good Sex, Laughs, shared wants and passions
If I can get that from someone and they dont want to call me a certain word…me getting upset or mad or wanting to not deal with them is beyond idiotic
Another person could shower someone with titles and labels and cheat or treat the person like shit…what good was the title then?
All people are different but one thing is the same…the “label” has nothing to do with the relationship between two people
it has nothing to do with staying together, has nothing to do with breaking up
And Steve Harvey needs to stick to the jokes
…women and men need to get advice from themselves
April 9th, 2009 at 8:23 pm
OK yes Steve Harvey is not the God of relationships and his book is overrated, but it’s still true.
…If I can get that from someone and they dont want to call me a certain word…me getting upset or mad or wanting to not deal with them is beyond idiotic…
No every man is not the same, but If someone is gonna invest this much into you why wouldn’t they wanna give you a title, that’s idiotic. It doesn’t happen like that.
…Another person could shower someone with titles and labels and cheat or treat the person like shit…what good was the title then?
I already said at the end of the day the actions make a relationship, but I maintain that both things are important. The way she is treated and the title.
We could go back and forth all day. I will just agree to disagree on this one.
April 10th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
*SIGH*
This debate just…frustrates the hell outta me. E, your points are all valid. Yet they are neither more nor less valid than the opinion that the title matters. That being said, I don’t see a compromise or middle ground on something like this.
My opinion is this: the idea of commitment freaks men out. They are TERRIFIED of it. And reluctance to the title is one of the many ways that this fear manifests itself. Right, wrong, or indifferent.
OK, so, yeah…women should step outside of themselves and their own heads sometimes — and so should men. If a woman is willing to give you everything you need in a relationship, and is satisfying those needs well — then why not give her what she needs in return? If she needs the title, you can give it, and it’s not going to kill you, then why not satisfy that need for her and just do it if you care enough about her? That’s what’s involved in relationships — compromising on things you normally wouldn’t for the sake of wanting your beloved to feel at ease and have peace of mind in the relationship.
If I’m able to do something for a significant other, and it’s not unreasonable, and I know it will make them happy — I do it. And if I don’t, it comes down to just being unwilling to do it, for whatever reason. It’s as simple as that.
April 10th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Again.
The point isn’t that the woman needs a title
Why they need the title or why the title isn’t welcome by some men.
The point or message is that in a relationship between two people that label has no effect and is meaningless as far as the individuals and how they feel/relate to/treat each other.
April 10th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Honestly titles are just a polite way of saying “this is mine keep away”. The importance of the title really just depends on the person. Some need a title in a relationship to keep them in check. And if that is the case maybe they shouldnt be in a “committed” relationship anyway. I’m with E on this, a title doesn’t magically make everythinng better. If anything it makes more drama because now there are added expectations that both parties may not be prepared for.
I think women get caught up in what everyone else will think if we don’t have a title as if we are wasting our time with a man if he hasn’t started calling us “his”. However I think we have also over looked the fact that once a man is really into a woman he will give a woman that title without any threats or provoking from her part because men are selfish and once they find someone they want they try and make sure everyone knows that he has laid his claim.
April 10th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Faith-e
Get over here and lemme give you a title
April 10th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
interesting insight.
April 12th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
That’s because you ain’t checking for nobody…
and I hear you, but I still want the title.
Call me stubborn in that regard.